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 Blind - The Freakshow | RL/english |
brain_surgery
skype: energon-soup
Dabei seit: 09.02.2005
Beiträge: 973
Herkunft: austria
Name: Nathalie
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| Blind - The Freakshow | RL/english |
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Servus Leute :]
Schon lange her seit ich mich das letzte mal in der Schreibecke verewigt hab, und da ich sowieso im Dauerlauf an einer Geschichte weiterschreiben zu habe, dachte ich mir dass ich die auch gerne einmal mit euch teilen und eventuell Feedback bekommen würde :3
Derzeit bin ich mitten in Kapitel 3 (die Kapitel sind ziemlich lang...), und es ist noch kein Ende in Sicht xD
Wie man im Titel sehen kann, ist die Geschichte in englisch geschrieben, aber das ist hoffentlich kein zu großes Hindernis! Und dann noch kurz die obligatorischen Warnungen:
Es können (und werden) ein Haufen Inhalte vorkommen, die vielleicht nicht unbedingt für Minderjährige geeignet sind, unter anderem Sex, Schimpfwörter, Suchtigft, PIZZA, Homosexualität, Blut, Gesudere, mieses Russisch, Alkohol, Prostitution, allgemein nicht für Kinder Gedachtes, usw. Und keine Kekse. Sorry, Leute.
So, wo das erledigt ist...Viel Spaß beim Lesen xD Und für Fragen bin ich immer offen. sollte etwas Unklar sein.
[0 - Prelude]
He was almost there. The heavy rain had soaked his torn clothes and blonde hair, but he didn't feel the cold temperature at all. Why was he even here? In this gray town, in the middle of the night. The only thing he knew was that his goal wasn't far away anymore.
He must have been walking forever, or at least his feet felt like it. But he wouldn't have made this trip in vain. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this one thing.
All he had to do was keep on going.
Not a single car was on the street he went along, just a never ending stream of people on the sidewalk. They all looked the same, wearing coats, blank faces staring straight forward, no one was paying any attention to the weird guy in his dark shirt.
He now left the street, following a narrow lane whis was crossed by another. His heart started beating faster, as he recognized the place he had reached. Standing in front of one of the buildings, a rush of memories let him remember why he came here. He returned. This house had been his home for many years. Since he left long ago, he hadn't seen anyone of his family...Now he thought he knew they were the reason why he had come back.
Looking down to his right hand where he felt an unfamiliar weight, he found that he had even brought a present.
A little gift made of steel to enhance this little family reunion with lead. His look grew determined, as he knocked at the worn wooden door in front of him.
Moments passed and nothing happened. He waited. Then a rumour could be heard from the inside and shortly after someone opened the door.
A woman's face appeared, steel blue eyes glaring suspiciously at the stranger before her. Of course she didn't recognize him, not even knowing how she hit something inside that hurt badly with her ignorance. Raising a brow she was about to ask who the heck he was, as she suddenly found herself with a gun to the head, its cold muzzle touching her forehead letting her freeze motionless.
She didn't even have the time to gasp for air, and he could have sworn that her mad heartbeat filled the whole lane with its tolling noise.
"Privet, sestra", he murmured, tilting his head slightly to see her surprised and shocked face. He couldn't deny the thought that she still looked beautiful...It seemed like she hadn't changed at all, only appeared more grown up, her female features even more defined.
How could he ever be able to resist this angel?
And how could this bitch ever be able to deceive him?!
This time was different. This time he wouldn't let her go...alive.
He stared right into her eyes, searching for any sign of remorse or guilt for what she had done to him back then, but all he saw was fear. Well, that was fine too. Finally, she paid him the respect he deserved...His mind lightened up. Maybe....?
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Das wars mal so zum Reinschnuppern, wenn's euch gefällt kann ich ja demnächst mehr reinstellen. :3
Man merkt jetzt gerade noch nicht viel davon, aber es wird um eine Band, die gerade dabei ist, bekannt zu werden, gehen xD
lg, nat
__________________
Da ich selten bis gar nie sehe, wenn man mir PNs schreibt, bitte über Skype melden, wenn es ein Anliegen gibt! 
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14.06.2010 17:28 |
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brain_surgery
skype: energon-soup
Dabei seit: 09.02.2005
Beiträge: 973
Herkunft: austria
Name: Nathalie
Themenstarter 
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Vielen Dank für die ehrliche Kritik! (Obwohls mich ein wenig überrascht hat, weil ich sonst immer nur zu hören krieg, wie ach so toll mein Englisch doch ist...oo Zumindest ist mein Deutsch besser...wirklich xD)
Ich werd mir die Seiten auf jeden Fall einmal ansehen!
Die Dinge die du ansprichst könnten auch daran liegen, dass ich das ganze eigentlich als deutsche Geschichte hatte, es gezwungenermaßen aber einfach genommen und ins Englische übersetzt hab...Aber zumindest ist es eine gute Übung, hoffe ich :3
Zahlt es sich aus, wenn ich mehr reinstelle? D:
EDIT: JA WIESO NICHT
Immerhin bin ich vielleicht kein Künstler was Worte angeht, aber eine Geschichte zu erzählen hab ich trotzdem. xD Und vielleicht findet sich ja der eine oder andere der es gern lesen würde!
_____
"Bihodi za menja!"
For her, this demand came out of nowhere. For him, it came kind of surprising too. She must have thought that he was about to outright kill her, leaving her even more speechless than before, if this was possible.
Her reaction actually was understandable, since, how often does it occur that your long lost brother comes home, and the first thing he does is make you a proposal?
Seeing that she wouldn't dare to turn his proposal down (who would, face to face with a bullet?) he continued surer, almost festively.
"Sejcas."
Excitedly waiting for her to give him a positive answer, he watched her twitch. But she still didn't say a word. Why did she keep quiet? She had been surprised long enough!
His expression started to show impatience, as his grasp around the weapon he was still aiming at her grew tighter. He couldn't hide his disappointment anymore, spitefully grinding his teeth, while still waiting for her reaction but getting none.
"Pochemu ti ne otvetila??", he yelled at her, waving his gun in front of her face, feeling his rage rising up.
After all she did he was still going to give her a second chance, but she dared to treat him like this! His hand began shaking violently, and so did his surroundings.
Why...?
Not knowing and not caring either about what was going on he started to scream, pressing his hands against his head which felt like it was about to burst from a sudden flash of pain, crying out all the curses he knew. Everything around him turned black. This couldn't be...
A loud bang.
He woke up.
Lying on a blue sofa, like someone had thrown him up there, it took him a full minute to realize what was actually going on. He was at home; not exactly his home, but a home nevertheless. It was just a dream. He must have fallen asleep, or passed out, or something. Also he found that he was having a headache.
Nothing so unusual to him. It seemed like there wasn't a single day on which he could wake up without this shooting pain in his goddamn head. But he got used to it anyway, thanks to his best friend, Aspirin.
Right now, he felt the urgent need to get some. An make the annoying ache go away. Along with the memory of that weird dream...Even for his standards, it was...well, weird.
God, he thought, while sitting up and fiddling with his light hair, This was fucked up.
Why, of all people, her?
He however didn't get the chance to brood over this any longer. His thoughtful loneliness got interrupted. Even before he could hear the contemptuously spoken words, he was clouded in the heavy smell of cheap cigarettes.
"Hey, Pussy."
Akira, who else. This reincarnation of every asshole ever living. And according to his destiny, he truly never failed to think up charming nicknames for everything and everyone.
That's not my name, the blond wanted to reply. Though he knew it wouldn't have any effect.
Anger. Was it really that difficult to say. Just one simple word. It even was a nickname already, and still this ignorant brat, who had just appeared, leaning in the doorframe, had to give him a nickname for the nickname. Where's the sense in that?
Anger was about to open his mouth, but the other obviously did not intend to let him have a single word, instead he strangely enough proved to be quite talkative today.
"About time you woke up. I already thought you were dead"
As if you gave a shit, Anger grudged. Still he didn't show any visible reaction, he just continued sitting on the sofa, staring at his roommate.
Silentness followed, a mute glaring contest.
So what?, was the question that lay in the blond's headache-driven grumpy look. It was answered unexpectedly.
"You better get up. In case you didn't get it yet, the concert is today. Artemis is already stressed as hell and it starts getting on my nerves."
Actually it was even more surprising that Akira managed to say all that without pausing once to nip on a cigarette, for which he now made up.
"I'm up", Anger said defiantly, not noticing that it probably sounded childish and unnecessary. He honestly didn't care.
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Sooo übel ist es gar nicht, finde ich :/ (Bis auf die Tatsache dass auf unerklärliche Art und Weise der Name 80% aller Charaktere in dieser Geschichte mit "A" anfängt...)
__________________
Da ich selten bis gar nie sehe, wenn man mir PNs schreibt, bitte über Skype melden, wenn es ein Anliegen gibt!
Dieser Beitrag wurde 1 mal editiert, zum letzten Mal von brain_surgery: 15.06.2010 20:09.
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15.06.2010 15:32 |
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TerraTX
hyperaktiver Kekskrümel des Chaos
Dabei seit: 04.04.2006
Beiträge: 1.128
Herkunft: Berlin
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Dein Englisch ist meiner Meinung nach nicht schlecht, allerdings ist es dein Schreibstil. Die Sätze wirken sehr abgehackt; ich finde nicht wirklich Übergänge, komme nicht mit den Emotionen mit und habe nicht den leisesten Schimmer, wie irgendetwas aus deiner Geschichte aussehen könnte.
Im Englischen haben wir den "flat" und den "round" Charakter. Deine wirken irgendwie nur "flat". Kann sein, dass es daran liegt, weil noch nicht viel passiert ist, allerdings lese ich regelmäßig englische Geschichten und ja, musst noch viel an deinem Stil arbeiten xD'
Zum Inhalt gibt es noch nicht viel zu sagen, außer, dass er bisher sehr nichtssagend ist. Ich würde gern mehr über den Charakter erfahren - okay, ich wollte. Bis zu dem Punkt, als ich erfahren habe, dass er sich "Anger" nennt. Ansonsten kann ich mich einfach noch nicht wirklich in die Geschichte hineinempfinden.
Lg, Terra
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16.06.2010 20:37 |
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brain_surgery
skype: energon-soup
Dabei seit: 09.02.2005
Beiträge: 973
Herkunft: austria
Name: Nathalie
Themenstarter
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Ok danke! :3
Ich fang mal unten an, der Name hat eine recht lange Geschichte...xD (Hier in der Story habe ich das so gelöst, dass es mit seiner Vorgeschichte zu tun hat, in der man ihm willkürlicherweise diesen Namen gegeben hat, weil er sich anfangs an seinen eigenen nicht erinnern konnte und ein recht grantiger Geselle ist.) Eigentlich hätte ich erwartet, dass sich die Leute mehr an Akira stoßen (Ich versuche normalerweise, Wapanesisch zu vermeiden xD), aber anscheinend...ok. Die Sache ist die, dass die Charaktere ursprünglich jeweils zur Hälfte von einer guten Freundin von mir und mir selbst stammen, und für diese Geschichte bunt zusammengewürfelt wurden. (Nur dass halt jeder dann extra eine neue Vergangenheit und ein paar Korrekturen am Wesen durchgemacht hat, man kann zum Beispiel schlecht einen Serienkiller in eine Band stecken....Ok, kann man, aber das wollte ich in dem Fall nicht.)
Mein Stil und ich...ja. xD Da geb ich dir wirklich vollkommen recht. Oft ärger ich mich selber drüber, wie unästethisch das ganze klingt, aber ich hoffe, dass ich auch durch die Arbeit an der Geschichte das Ganze etwas flüssiger werden lassen kann. Wobei ich das Problem sogar bei deutschen Texten oft hab, aber hier in Englisch eben besonders, weil ich da normal eher nur chatte oder eben auf englischen Communities unterwegs bin, und da interessiert das die Leute nicht wirklich (meines Eindrucks nach).
Ich gebe auch zu, dass der Anfang wirklich ziemlich langatmig ist. Als ich begonnen hab an dem Ding zu schreiben war das noch größtenteils eine "Partnerarbeit", da es ursprünglich als RPG zwischen meiner Freundin und mir angefangen hat, dementsprechend weder eine fixe Storyline noch sonst was hatte. Darauf, das zu übersetzen, bin ich dann gekommen, weil ich mit den Englisch-Hausaufgaben etwas nachlässig bin und mit der Lehrerin dann kurzerhand vereinbart habe, dass ich das hier stattdessen einfach jede Woche abgebe. xD ...Was vielleicht auch bewirkt, dass ich teilweise recht lieblos einfach drauflosschreibe/geschrieben habe. (Aber es hat mich deswegen auch etwas verwundert, was Peshewa angesprochen hat, da der Text ja praktischerweise auch schon vorverbessert ist, wo sich grammatische oder Ausdrucksfehler eingeschlichen haben...)
Langer Rede kurzer Sinn, wenn man die Umstände berücksichtigt und nicht ganz hohe Ansprüche setzt, ist es glaub ich tragbar. x)
(Verdammt, wie tief bin ich gesunken dass ich alle möglichen Rechtfertigungen auspacke um den Leuten mein Machwerk schmackhaft zu machen...x_@)
Natürlich nehm ich mir deine Worte sehr zu Herzen und bemüh mich in Zukunft noch mehr. :3
lg, nat
__________________
Da ich selten bis gar nie sehe, wenn man mir PNs schreibt, bitte über Skype melden, wenn es ein Anliegen gibt!
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17.06.2010 21:08 |
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ChiBoBo
Thaiwan <3
Dabei seit: 14.02.2009
Beiträge: 2.324
Herkunft: Bremen
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Also so schlecht finde ich dein Eglisch echt nicht
Werde es aufjedenfall weiterlesen, klingt... naja keine Ahnung ich hab ja nicht den leistesten Schimmer was eigentlich passiert 
... aber deswegen interessiert es mich gerade
LG
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17.06.2010 21:24 |
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brain_surgery
skype: energon-soup
Dabei seit: 09.02.2005
Beiträge: 973
Herkunft: austria
Name: Nathalie
Themenstarter
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Schön, dass es dir gefällt
Ein bisschen Comedy in diesem Teil...wie auch immer @@
---
[1 - The Freakshow]
Artemis was pacing the empty hallway. Something like a hundred accesoires jingled as he moved, but they weren't nearly as loud as the deafening noise of the crowd next door. Although they cheered and were chanting some song the black-haired Artemis didn't bother to recognize, he knew that they were waiting. Too long already. It was only a question of time before they would grow impatient.
And the worst thing about it all was, that they were waiting for him. Well, not only for him, but...
"Where the hell is everyone??", he cried out, annoyed that none of the others seemed to find it necessary to be on stage on time. Of course noone did hear him.
A quick look at the clock - already an hour had passed. The other bands had long finished. It was their turn.
He had almost reached the end of the corridor, as his way found a sudden end. A door was slammed open and something or someone crashed into him, causing both of them to lose the ground under their feet.
As soon as Artemis realized what had happened and that he was lying on the floor with someone on top of him, he surprisedly looked up into the person's face, which seemed just as confused as his own.
His expression slightly darkened as he discovered that the pretty girl he faced wasn't female at all, but actually one of his mates he had been looking for the whole time.
"Sunee!", the black-haired stated puzzled.
"...Hi", came the shy answer from the other.
Their togetherness was already over as they both were blinded by a sudden flashlight that made Artemis see stars.
"Awesome!", a female voice shouted triumphantly and excitedly. The black-haired understood instantly and pushed Sunee away from him, but it was too late. The blonde journalist was already on the run, grinning her ass off and musing over the next scandalous headline.
"Damn...", Artemis mumbled resigned. He was on his feet again, dusting himself down, totally ignoring the dumb "What happened...?" from behind and asked the other one instead of explaining to him that they had just got into a sexual relationship and the whole state would know about it tomorrow.
"Where's the rest?"
He turned around to take a look at Sunee and realized that this tranny didn't look like he was anywhere near ready to be shown to an audience. The long hazel hair was still open and he overall he gave a messed-up appearance.
"I...don't know"
In fact, Artemis hadn't expected any other answer. There were hardly any things the tranny knew, apart from which fashion label was in at the moment.
He sighed and was already about to set off again to find the remaining two members of their little band.
"Ok, listen. You go backstage now and stay there. Don't run away again and wait for me! I'll get the others"
Artemis looked over his shoulder dramatically, before he continued in the epic tone that always seemed to lay in his voice when he was saying more than a short sentence.
"If I don't make it in time...you must do this on your own, by yourself"
He watched Sunee gulp and nod scaredly, then finally continued in his search for the last two: Akira and Anger. And he had already spotted the first clue that would certainly lead him right to their whereabouts.
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Und damit hätten wir den dritten (und vorletzten) Charakter, der mit "A" anfängt. Warum fällt einem sowas immer erst ein halbes Jahr später auf? >>
Aber dafür haben die anderen abwechslungsreichere Anfangsbuchstaben, versprochen xD
__________________
Da ich selten bis gar nie sehe, wenn man mir PNs schreibt, bitte über Skype melden, wenn es ein Anliegen gibt!
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20.06.2010 20:00 |
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Impressum
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