Hey guys,
so, I am going to send this text to a contest, hoping I have the tiniest fraction of a chance. I also hope there are no mistakes - if you find one, please tell me. (Especially about the form, commas a.s.o.)
What i'd like to know from you as well:
-Is it too complicated? Do you understand what the text is about?/If not: what do I have to explain so you do understand it?
-What would you change about the text?
-Do you like the style it's written in?
-And of course whatever you want to say about it
I am really eager to hear from you and I'm gonna try to make the text better with your help.
Well, before I'm going to unleash you, here's the link to the contest it's for:
http://www.bundeswettbewerb-fremdsprachen.de/main.php?id=500
My biggest problem was that it says there "Deine Geschichte sollte einen Umfang von 5000 Zeichen (ohne Leerzeichen)* nicht überschreiten" - that was hard. I hope I managed to deliver my message, though. I've still got about 500 letter left ...
(by the way:
Deine Schule: Gymnasium
Deine Klassenstufe: 10
Lernjahr: 5.)
(by the way²: I'm not going to change the essential makeup of the story)
Enjoy!
______________________________________________
Leaning against cold walls
I leaned against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I closed my eyes, pretending the world around me didn’t exist.
I was alone, all alone. Around me nothing but blackness. The deepest blackness you can imagine. And even darker. Silence. Nothing but the low dageng, dageng, dageng. My heart pumping blood in, pumping blood out. No lights, no sound, nothing and no one beside myself.
And of course no thoughts. Nothing to think about. Dageng, dageng, dageng. Black. Silence. Dageng, dageng, dageng.
A low knock on the door. Once, twice … a third time.
Slowly I opened my eyes, blinked while they adjusted to the light.
“Brian? Can I come in?”
I stared at the shower seeing nothing. But I couldn’t ignore these little butterflies crashing against the walls of my head. Tiny butterflies of thoughts, torturing the very corner of my self.
“Brian? Please?” the voice pleaded.
How could I ever resist him? How could I not open the door?
I don’t quite know how I managed but I stayed there, leaning against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little.
I heard his footsteps getting quieter. He’d given up for now. I knew for sure that he'd never give me up - just like I never would if it was the other way around.
I leaned against the cold wall. But it didn't matter since every very cell of my body was on fire. I was burning, just that I couldn't feel the pain. Yet.
My arms were wrapped around his neck, his body pressed against mine. I couldn’t get enough air but I didn’t care. I wanted him to be even closer. I wanted to touch, to kiss every inch of his body, to taste him.
My tongue was hungry for him. Everything about me was hungry for him.
One tiny second I was wondering why he seemed to be as eager as I was to touch the other one. To take the each other’s clothes off. But the moment of doubt passed quickly.
I leaned against the cold wall. No, he pressed me against the cold wall. But it didn’t matter because I was burning.
It didn’t matter either that I was one hundred percent sure he would have forgotten all this by tomorrow. He wouldn’t even remember my name.
So I covered my brain with numbness, kissing him back as eagerly as I could.
I leaned against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I slid down, so I was halfway crouching there, hugging myself to protect my body from the cold. My heart was racing, thumping hard in my chest. I was anxious the sound would wake him up. I had to get out before there was any chance at all that might happen. He wouldn’t like to catch me in his flat. And I had no desire at all to have to look into his deep blue eyes again. I actually didn’t want to face him even one more time. Not anymore.
It was over. He’d had his fun, I’d lost myself in him, and had given up my control. The very control I’d needed years for to build it up. He’d broken through my defence as easily as if those stone walls, protecting me, had never been there. It was all my fault, there was no one I could blame for the despair I felt, no one but me.
If I hadn't been so anxious as to not make any noise, I would sure as hell have cried. But I knew this part would come afterwards. Not later than me being at home.Though I feared I would have hardly been able to keep back the tears, building up in my throat, till I was even fully dressed and about to this place. I sobbed quietly, trying to hold my breath.
Getting an idea, I pressed my naked back against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I stopped sobbing immediately and tried not to gasp. My breathing accelerated by thinking that the little sound I’d made could have woken him up. But then it slowed down and everything got so quiet, you could hear the silence, slice it with a knife.
The dim light coming through the bathroom window couldn’t fully light up my surroundings. I could barely see anything but I could guess what every shape must be. There was a big cupboard, a shower, toilet.
A quiet groan coming from his room made me jump. I shivered.
As fast and quiet as possible I got up. My hands reached for the tight ball that were my clothes. I hated even the little noise they made when I unfolded them and put them on.
Feeling like a thieve, I sneaked out. My whole body was shaken with quiet sobs.
I leaned against the cold wall. It seemed like I couldn’t get enough air. My throat was too thin. I was choking without feeling any pain. I was simply choking.
My hands couldn’t find enough hold on the red brick wall, so they clung to my knees.
In. Out. In. And out. Breathing in. Breathing out.
I tried so hard to calm myself down. But failed badly.
I wasn’t that alarmed because I couldn’t get enough air. I was panicking … because … because …
I could still hear his words echoing in my head.
“Brian, I love you. You are my life. I … please. Don’t look at me that way.”
Brian, I love you. I love you. Love you …
The voice refused to get quieter. It was no echo, really, it was more like someone wanting to torture me by pressing repeat all the time. Brian, I love you. I love you. I love you.
“Stop that!” I nearly shouted into dawn, but of course I couldn't control those words in my head.
I didn’t even know why I reacted this way. That was something I couldn’t control, either. If I followed rational rules, I would be full of joy that Justin loved me. Instead, cold sweat covered my face and my palms.
We leaned against the cold wall. It calmed us down, even if only just a little.
Our breath came slowly, even. We both looked straight forward into nothingness.
And then, Justin took my hand.
so, I am going to send this text to a contest, hoping I have the tiniest fraction of a chance. I also hope there are no mistakes - if you find one, please tell me. (Especially about the form, commas a.s.o.)
What i'd like to know from you as well:
-Is it too complicated? Do you understand what the text is about?/If not: what do I have to explain so you do understand it?
-What would you change about the text?
-Do you like the style it's written in?
-And of course whatever you want to say about it
I am really eager to hear from you and I'm gonna try to make the text better with your help.
Well, before I'm going to unleash you, here's the link to the contest it's for:
http://www.bundeswettbewerb-fremdsprachen.de/main.php?id=500
My biggest problem was that it says there "Deine Geschichte sollte einen Umfang von 5000 Zeichen (ohne Leerzeichen)* nicht überschreiten" - that was hard. I hope I managed to deliver my message, though. I've still got about 500 letter left ...
(by the way:
Deine Schule: Gymnasium
Deine Klassenstufe: 10
Lernjahr: 5.)
(by the way²: I'm not going to change the essential makeup of the story)
Enjoy!
______________________________________________
Leaning against cold walls
I leaned against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I closed my eyes, pretending the world around me didn’t exist.
I was alone, all alone. Around me nothing but blackness. The deepest blackness you can imagine. And even darker. Silence. Nothing but the low dageng, dageng, dageng. My heart pumping blood in, pumping blood out. No lights, no sound, nothing and no one beside myself.
And of course no thoughts. Nothing to think about. Dageng, dageng, dageng. Black. Silence. Dageng, dageng, dageng.
A low knock on the door. Once, twice … a third time.
Slowly I opened my eyes, blinked while they adjusted to the light.
“Brian? Can I come in?”
I stared at the shower seeing nothing. But I couldn’t ignore these little butterflies crashing against the walls of my head. Tiny butterflies of thoughts, torturing the very corner of my self.
“Brian? Please?” the voice pleaded.
How could I ever resist him? How could I not open the door?
I don’t quite know how I managed but I stayed there, leaning against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little.
I heard his footsteps getting quieter. He’d given up for now. I knew for sure that he'd never give me up - just like I never would if it was the other way around.
I leaned against the cold wall. But it didn't matter since every very cell of my body was on fire. I was burning, just that I couldn't feel the pain. Yet.
My arms were wrapped around his neck, his body pressed against mine. I couldn’t get enough air but I didn’t care. I wanted him to be even closer. I wanted to touch, to kiss every inch of his body, to taste him.
My tongue was hungry for him. Everything about me was hungry for him.
One tiny second I was wondering why he seemed to be as eager as I was to touch the other one. To take the each other’s clothes off. But the moment of doubt passed quickly.
I leaned against the cold wall. No, he pressed me against the cold wall. But it didn’t matter because I was burning.
It didn’t matter either that I was one hundred percent sure he would have forgotten all this by tomorrow. He wouldn’t even remember my name.
So I covered my brain with numbness, kissing him back as eagerly as I could.
I leaned against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I slid down, so I was halfway crouching there, hugging myself to protect my body from the cold. My heart was racing, thumping hard in my chest. I was anxious the sound would wake him up. I had to get out before there was any chance at all that might happen. He wouldn’t like to catch me in his flat. And I had no desire at all to have to look into his deep blue eyes again. I actually didn’t want to face him even one more time. Not anymore.
It was over. He’d had his fun, I’d lost myself in him, and had given up my control. The very control I’d needed years for to build it up. He’d broken through my defence as easily as if those stone walls, protecting me, had never been there. It was all my fault, there was no one I could blame for the despair I felt, no one but me.
If I hadn't been so anxious as to not make any noise, I would sure as hell have cried. But I knew this part would come afterwards. Not later than me being at home.Though I feared I would have hardly been able to keep back the tears, building up in my throat, till I was even fully dressed and about to this place. I sobbed quietly, trying to hold my breath.
Getting an idea, I pressed my naked back against the cold wall. It calmed me down, even if only just a little. I stopped sobbing immediately and tried not to gasp. My breathing accelerated by thinking that the little sound I’d made could have woken him up. But then it slowed down and everything got so quiet, you could hear the silence, slice it with a knife.
The dim light coming through the bathroom window couldn’t fully light up my surroundings. I could barely see anything but I could guess what every shape must be. There was a big cupboard, a shower, toilet.
A quiet groan coming from his room made me jump. I shivered.
As fast and quiet as possible I got up. My hands reached for the tight ball that were my clothes. I hated even the little noise they made when I unfolded them and put them on.
Feeling like a thieve, I sneaked out. My whole body was shaken with quiet sobs.
I leaned against the cold wall. It seemed like I couldn’t get enough air. My throat was too thin. I was choking without feeling any pain. I was simply choking.
My hands couldn’t find enough hold on the red brick wall, so they clung to my knees.
In. Out. In. And out. Breathing in. Breathing out.
I tried so hard to calm myself down. But failed badly.
I wasn’t that alarmed because I couldn’t get enough air. I was panicking … because … because …
I could still hear his words echoing in my head.
“Brian, I love you. You are my life. I … please. Don’t look at me that way.”
Brian, I love you. I love you. Love you …
The voice refused to get quieter. It was no echo, really, it was more like someone wanting to torture me by pressing repeat all the time. Brian, I love you. I love you. I love you.
“Stop that!” I nearly shouted into dawn, but of course I couldn't control those words in my head.
I didn’t even know why I reacted this way. That was something I couldn’t control, either. If I followed rational rules, I would be full of joy that Justin loved me. Instead, cold sweat covered my face and my palms.
We leaned against the cold wall. It calmed us down, even if only just a little.
Our breath came slowly, even. We both looked straight forward into nothingness.
And then, Justin took my hand.
